Have faith, m'dear

Trust is a difficult concept for me to apply in real life.

New changes, fresh events

Without preamble, here's what's changed since the last post:

--I've moved back to "da aina," that is, Oahu, where I grew up. The decision that spawned this was difficult and hard to discuss, but move I did.
--As a result of this move, I'm feeling very conflicted and really am not any closer to resolving my emotions (both good and bad).
--On the bright side, I am working a job as a Visuals Specialist that I enjoy very much (most of the time). :)
--School loan repayment has started and I feel the weight of "real world" descending all the more harder.
--The move, which is supposed to be a move to help my emotional state, has done nothing of the sort. My fault, though. I haven't been trying hard enough.
--I've realized, through some unintentional drama here, that I'm still as fragile as a butterfly wing in the emotional way (and probably showing my weakness by stating this here, but still).
--I really miss Indian food and Burmese food. Mexican food. Dearth of these in Honolulu. *sigh*
--I'm not doing Nanowrimo this year, which is sad, but not as depressing as the fact that I haven't even tried to connect with any of my Nano-fam (can't handle it right now).
--I really love snuggling with my Beary and wonder why I didn't discover how therapeutic it is as a child. Actually, I don't wonder that hard - I know why. My mother was sure that they made my allergies worse. By now, I'm not so sure.
--Frustration keeps occuring in scenarios between me and my family. *dejected*
--Spending a few days in Kauai. Planning to relax it up. :)

I Take Back My Ownership

"I should be allowed to feel good about myself." Will Schuester

This is what I want to say to people who keep telling me (or thinking that) I'm lucky. "Lucky" that I found a job (not THE dream job) before I even graduated that will set me on the right career path. "Lucky" that I "get" to go to Europe for study abroad...twice. "Lucky" that I only interviewed at one job and didn't need to go through the second round of interviews and was hired. "Lucky" that I "get" to move to the mainland to go to school for my passion. And it keeps going....

Apparently, people around me seem to have this mistaken impression that everything is handed to me on a big ass silver platter. And apparently maybe it appears to them like I'm sitting on my ass and doing nothing...

Attributing the steps I took leading up to this "lucky result" to LUCK is negating everything I did do and all the hard work I put in. Just because you don't actually HEAR or SEE my hard work and preparation doesn't mean it didn't occur. You didn't see the hours I panicked at school while preparing my portfolio to make it decent because my laptop had died. You didn't see the years of part-time jobs I worked at to save up for going abroad because I knew there was no way I'd get financial or emotional support from my family, or the tears, or the anxiety, or the guilt. You didn't witness the arguments for an entire year prior to moving to San Francisco/FIDM. Until you walk these steps...

I should be allowed to feel good about myself, the accomplishments I have achieved, and the experiences I have gained.

Hacky, Wheezy, & Snoozy

Yes, Hacky, Wheezy, and Snoozy are the new "it" dwarves (the other 4 would be Hungry, Survivey, Anxiety, and Meditatey).

Dwarf 1: Hacky decided to bring me a lovely hacking cough that involves wheezing whilst and beyond coughing fits. Lovely, right around finals AND when I'm due to start working at my new job. Absolutely perfect timing, no? I swear I sound like I have the plague...be it black or white or yellow or whatever the hell...I sound like I'm going to infect the world.

Dwarf 2: Wheezy is the cousin to Hacky. 'nuff said.

Dwarf 3: Snoozy is the dwarf that decides to pop in and out whenever he pleases. Damn this creature. Tea is not an adequate fortress against Snoozy so sometimes I will just crash, despite the incredible inconvenience it will lead to (and desperation)...and consequences. And other times, he's good and stays away and lets me actually be awake and productive.

Survivey and Anxiety are always around.....so I give up trying to boot these dwarves out...though they might downgrade their insanity after this afternoon. Here's to hoping, right? Hungry comes and goes....but I haven't been treating this dwarf too nicely. I keep eating junk food and snacking...ah well. Meditatey is the dwarf that keeps tugging at my heartstrings and I do little methods like breathing but I simply do not have the energy or time to sit and just try to full out meditatively write, although I know I urgently need to!

Belief is Power

"Believe that you have it, and you have it." /Latin Proverb/

and...

"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” /Stockdale Paradox/

Perceptual Awareness of Obstacles

I'm grappling with the dire awareness that I'm not who I was, that I'm not who I want to be [yet]. I'm struggling with reaching acceptance of who I am right now, at this very present moment.

Feeling lost, but I'm hanging on. I haven't given up and I don't want to, even though the option stares temptingly at me. The strength is somewhere within me and this is a call to dig deep, deeper than ever before. These things are sent to try us....right? These obstacles serve to build your strength, to build your determination, to test our perseverance. And that thought is what is keeping me going.

Breathe. I will make it through this moment. I will live this moment. I am in the now. Breathe, and begin anew. Breathe, and keep going.

Learning to accept myself and my situation is my newest obstacle...despite all the challenges being thrown at me, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Any motivating words, anyone? I could really use some reassurance right now.

This Awkward Ninja is Ill

Just coming off a crazy week of 3 different types of drama, a meeting in which I wanted to stab my eyes and brain out, new job orientation, on top of being insanely behind on my schoolwork...

Now I'm ill. Yay me. I have the fun fatigue and sore throat symptoms...had the chills last night but I'm so glad that's gone at least. Whee.

With so much that has happened, I am most genuinely surprised that I have not yet collapsed in tears. Well, there was that 5-hour panic attack last week in which River Jenn ran abundant but I'm really surprised I haven't collapsed yet. Weird, huh?

Deep Appreciation

You, who listens with such patience,

thank you.

You, who gives me a heart-filled hand,

thank you.

You, who cheers me on impossible days,

thank you.

You, who stays unwaveringly near me,

thank you.

You, who remains supportive,

thank you.

You, who freely shares love,

thank you.

You, who appears to be a guardian angel,

thank you.

Merci, do jie, gracias, xie xie, arigatoo, efharisto, grazie, mahalo...

thank you.

Overwhelmed, overloaded, and over it.

"The overdressed traveller betrays more interest in being seen than in seeing, while the true traveller knows that the novel world about her serves as the most appropriate accessory." ~Galinda/"Wicked" by Gregory Maguire

~*~*~*~

Been keeping busy trying to play catch up. I've always hated doing catch up stroke while swimming when first learning to do the proper front crawl, and I hate catch up in any sense whatsoever. It slows the momentum. But unfortunately, I've lost the momentum for school and for life. I'm trying really hard to get into the zone again. Look, here I am, typing in my blog, playing the avoidance. As one friend so lovingly reminded me, avoidance creates anxiety. It's just one big nasty cycle....

I'm going to go do work now. I hope. I might just end up on facebook or twitter or gchat. Hope not, though.

Upcoming + new fave quote

"The overdressed traveller betrays more interest in being seen than in seeing, while the true traveller knows that the novel world about her serves as the most appropriate accessory." ~Galinda/"Wicked" by Gregory Maguire

~*~*~*~

Definitely lovin' the idea of coming up with more bumper stickers for Cafepress. I've been playing with the idea of designing some more shirts, but less at someone's request and more for myself--that is, something I'd actually buy for myself. I've been inspired with coming up with affordable Christmas gifts this year that both have great significance and something creatively personal. I'll write more (and post more) when I develop them further.

On a bigger scale, I'm planning on decorating my tiny (8.5' x 8.5' room before my classes start in October. That gives me about 2 weeks and that should be more than enough time! I'm going to do a fabric canvas on one wall, something vibrant and makes me happy, especially since this is a very small room and the room is extremely tiny. I'm also going to put up my Rent poster and two prints I bought from museums in Paris that I've treasured. I'll eventually make a vision board so that'll go up as well. In the works as well is an altar of the spiritual/creative variety, something that holds personal meaning and reminds me when I'm down that life doesn't quite suck TOO much.

Wish me luck!